Friendships are complicated, especially between men and women. And they get even more complicated when one of them falls in love. Being romantically interested in your best friend can be painful and awkward. There are many questions that come to mind in such situations: “Does she feel the same?”, “Am I allowed to confess my love to her?”, “Am I going to ruin the friendship if I tell her the truth?” Let’s find some answers.
How to tell her
If you are in love with your best friend you have to tell her – with words! Trying to merely show her your love is the worst thing you can do because she won’t get it.
You are her best friend. She perceives you as someone she can trust. Thus, she won’t interpret your attention as a sign of attraction. That’s why being extremely nice to her – buying her presents, taking her out to dinner, writing songs for her – won’t show her anything but that you’re a friend. Maybe a great one, but still just a friend.
She will continue to talk about other guys with you, not knowing that she’s hurting you. She will continue to cuddle and hug you, not knowing all you want is the cuddling to lead to kissing. She will continue to treat you like one of her female friends, not realizing she is wounding your male ego.
The only way to make the pain stop is by telling her about your feelings.
Pick up the phone and invite her to something you both usually do when you hang out together. Don’t try to tell her over the phone and don’t mention the actual reason you want to see her. It’s important that she feels good about meeting you. No awkwardness, no hasty romantic gestures, no flowers.
The best thing you could say is, as always, the truth.
Make it clear, make it short, make it fast. Don’t wait for her answer and don’t push her into telling you how she feels:
“I wanted to talk to you about something. I’ve been feeling attracted to you for the last few months. You’re my best friend and you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I just wanted to tell you how I feel, so please don’t feel awkward about this. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy our friendship and I hope nothing is going to change to the negative. I don’t want to pressure you but I’d be incredibly happy if you felt something for me too. But if not, everything is going to stay the way it is now. I just wanted you to know how I feel about you because otherwise I’d be torturing myself and maybe blaming myself one day for not telling you how I really feel.”
Now it’s her turn. If she feels the same for you, she’ll let you know. It doesn’t need to happen right after you’ve confessed your love. In most cases, you won’t get a positive, loving reply right then and there. So let some time pass. Your “job” is done, you can’t force anyone to fall in love with you. You did all you could do.
What if she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings immediately?
Most importantly, don’t freak out and don’t pressure her.
I am not saying you should just accept her “no” or her indifference and move on forever. All I’m saying is, that you would destroy your future chances if you acted crazy at this point.
An “either we’ll get together or our friendship is over” situation is the last thing you want. You don’t have to lose a friend just because you have fallen in love with her. The less you pressure her, the more likely she will feel attracted to you.
Here are some action steps you can take:
- Don’t expect anything, not even an answer.
- Don’t call her more often than usual.
- Don’t be needy.
- Don’t tell her any of the phantasies you have about her.
- Act just like before.
- Live your life just like before.
- Let some time pass.
Rational vs irrational hope
What if she doesn’t feel the same? You shouldn’t hope forever that she changes her mind. You have to try to move on and meet other women.
Only if you’ve let some time pass but you are still in love with your best friend, and both of you are still single but she still doesn’t want to be with you, then you should start thinking about distancing yourself from her.
Getting distance and living your life without her is the only chance you have if you still want to be with this girl. This measure might seem extreme, but it’s the right thing to do if you want to have any chances with her.
Seeing her with other guys will hurt you deeply and might cause severe emotional damage. Don’t be that guy! Do everything you can to make it happen, but know when to stop.
If you need some help getting out of an awkward or painful situation, reach out to me and I’d love to see how I can help.