It’s tempting to believe that there is a formula to the heart of every woman. Sure, tastes differ and what’s attractive to one woman might be offputting to another, but what if you know what she is into?
Let’s say you recently met a girl who loves travel and adventure. In male logic, that means you just have to prove to her that you are the most adventurous guy she’s ever met and she’ll have no choice but to want you. Simple, right?
So you post a video on Facebook that depicts you eating insects on your last Thailand vacation and hope she clicks the Like button – for many men an obvious sign of attraction!
What’s more, you also add some cliff jumping footage to your profile and share a map with pins of all the places you’ve already visited.
In the unimaginable case, that all these things didn’t make her fall for you, you can always buy a surfboard, go on a week-long camp and pretend to be a super cool dude who lives wave by wave.
Here’s the problem, though: In reality, if there is no chemistry then not even putting on a show that could put Cirque du Soleil out of business will get you any closer to being with her romantically.
- It doesn’t matter that you come from the same small town.
- It doesn’t matter that you both like the old Two and a Half Men seasons and hate the ones with Ashton.
- It doesn’t matter that you can bench the iron equivalent of a horse.
- It doesn’t matter that you love children and animals.
- It doesn’t matter that you cure leprosy in your spare time.
Love is binary, either it’s a one or a zero. Either there is attraction or there isn’t.
It’s a bit like paying in the grocery store; Either you have U.S dollars on you or there is no freaking way in hell you are leaving with that delicious looking watermelon. No matter how many shells, or buttons, or fishbones you try to pay with, the cashier will never accept the wrong currency.
The same principle applies in love: You need the right currency to get some in the game of love. And proving your worth to her on a rational level ain’t it.
Emotion – the currency of love
I bet you have met people before who you instantly ‘clicked with’. Maybe your best friend is someone like that. Someone you had an instant connection with. Someone you immediately could talk to easily, someone who made you feel understood.
Maybe you share a bond with a colleague, who, for no apparent reason, just liked you from the beginning and you also felt instant sympathy for them.
Or maybe you’ve met an attractive stranger before who looked into your eyes and seemingly put a spell on you without even saying a word.
All the situations I’m describing here are examples of emotional connection.
Humans crave emotional connection. We want to feel understood. We want to feel appreciated. We want to feel admired.
As a general rule, people who can trigger a strong emotional response in us are the ones we fall for romantically. (and it doesn’t even have to be positive emotions, pissing off someone is better than staying in the neutral zone)
Sure, you don’t necessarily need an emotional connection for casual sex and maybe that’s the only thing you want right now. But deep inside you’ll always know that a series of meaningless one-night stands doesn’t make a love life any more than a piece of string and a few light bulbs make a Christmas light. It may work as a fun substitute for a while, but eventually, you’ll want the real thing.
So, if all of us, sooner or later, want someone who we have chemistry with, is there anything we can do to find more people like that? And once we have, how can we be sure the other person feels the same?
A practical example that could happen to you too
Imagine yourself sitting in a café on a Wednesday afternoon. As you are typing away on your notebook someone asks you if the seat next to you is already taken. Without even looking up, you mumble, “Sure” and continue hammering your keyboard.
After a few minutes, as you get up to order a chai latte, you look over to the woman who just sat down. Woosh! It hits you like a freight train.
As you are still sitting there, frozen in confusion, grinning from ear to ear like an idiot, you realize that something about this girl is different.
Not that she is looking like a Victoria’s Secret model, far from it, but you don’t care. She has something far more desirable to offer than long legs and a flat stomach. You notice a (for many men unknown) feeling creep in: you want to get to know her.
At this point, most guys fuck up any chance for an emotional connection. They start to think:
- “Is it rude to start a conversation?”
- “Has she noticed me?”
- “Does she have a boyfriend?”
- “What excuse could I come up with to talk to her?”
- “I’ve got to find her on Facebook.”
What this leads to, is either not doing anything at all and beating yourself up about it at home, or starting a conversation but being too nervous and too much in your head to allow any exchange of emotion to happen.
Obviously, you want neither of those outcomes.
The trick to allowing emotional connections to happen
The trick to more connections is not to do anything specific. Rather, it’s a matter of calming your mind, i.e. of thinking less and allowing things to happen.
Unfortunately, it sounds easier than it is. Because here is the catch: to avoid overthinking you’ve got to immediately talk to her.
I repeat, immediately! Not tomorrow. Not after you had one more grande hot chocolate. Not after you went to the restroom. Not after you played it out in your mind! Now!
The whole point of this ‘time is of the essence’ approach is that you never give your mind a chance to overthink.
What freaks us out is sitting around doing nothing. Waiting for a clever line to pop into your head. Hoping she’ll give you a quick smile when she returns from the restroom. Praying she’ll ask to borrow your Macbook charger cable.
You must never get into a situation where you are eagerly waiting for a sign from her. As soon as you even get the hint that you could have a connection with a cute girl, tell yourself:
“I don’t know if we have chemistry and there is no way to be 100% sure. I guess I will just say “Hi” and find out.”
Just like travel is the best antidote for prejudice, saying “Hi” is the best antidote for overthinking and falling in love prematurely.
They say, never meet your heroes or you’ll be in for a disappointment when you see that they are merely faulty human beings like you and I. The exact same reason makes immediately spending time with people who trigger a strong emotional response in you a must!
You want to see their imperfections early on and you want them to see yours as well. Because, once you see each other as people and not a utopia, everything will be more relaxed, nervousness will fade, and you can be more receptive to the conversation, and consequently, allow emotional connection to happen.
Don’t assume anymore. Don’t hope anymore. Don’t compete anymore. Don’t perform anymore. Don’t play games anymore. Don’t hint anymore. Just walk up and say, “Hi!” – even if you are ‘crap your pants’ nervous.
I can already hear some readers ask, “That’s all nice and well, Julian, but what next? “Hi” plus awkward silence surely isn’t a winning combo?”
You are right, but with a person you have an emotional connection with, there won’t be any awkward silence. And there won’t be much thinking at all.
See, back when I struggled to even look women in the eyes, my mom told me one of the best pieces of dating advice I have ever heard. She told me this saying:
“With the wrong one you can’t do anything right, and with the right one, you can’t do anything wrong.”
It freed me up inside to just be who I was and if someone didn’t like it then it wasn’t my fault but we just weren’t a good fit.
Of course, none of what I am writing here is meant as an excuse to avoid developing yourself. You should always make the most out of what you have gotten, but also know, that if there is no connection, then no amount of performing and trying to proof your worthiness can change anything about that.
What to do with the advice from this post
Before I wrap this article up, I want to give you a quick summary, so you’ll give yourself the best chance of connecting with an attractive stranger next time you leave the house. To sum up:
- [Prerequisite: Become a well-kept man with friends, hobbies, a job, and some social skills]
- As soon as you notice that you are emotionally attracted to someone, walk over and say “Hi”.
- Apply the principle: “With the wrong one you can’t do anything right, and with the right one you can’t do anything wrong.”
- If there is a connection then everything will happen naturally.
- And if there isn’t, then you just saved yourself from potentially obsessing over someone who you don’t even want or who will never want you.
Follow this process and you’ll save yourself from unimaginable suffering over the course of your life. Ignore it and chances are you’ll someday pay alimony to a woman who neither loves you nor finds you sexually alluring.
Can’t wait to hear all your crazy stories after you gave it a try. :)