A problem that I encounter often in my coaching is that clients tell me they want to have all those wild sexual experiences but later I find out that they aren’t ready for them to happen.
For example, many men tell me they want to have a threesome with two beautiful women.
“No problem,” I tell them. Threesomes are more common than one would think and I have helped clients make it a reality before.
But then I dig deeper and ask, “If you met two beautiful women in the hotel bar and you hit it off and they invited you back to their room, would you say yes?”
What normally ensues is a long break followed by an uncertain, “I think so.”
I call BS.
Of course, everyone claims they’d do it. But when the situation becomes real, most people bail out with some sort of crazy excuse:
- “Why would two attractive women just come up to me and invite me to their room? Surely they are organ traffickers or burglars.”
- “I haven’t showered today.”
- “I’m too tired.”
- “I don’t know what to do.”
- “Surely it’s just a prank to make fun of me.”
- “I’m not in the mood right now.”
The excuses alone would be tolerable but they are accompanied by terrible sensations such as cold sweating, shaking, stomach cramps, or a trembling voice. This is what we all know as cold feet or fear of success.
A good example of this happened to my boyfriend Julian when he flew from New York to Germany, years ago. But I’ll let him tell the story:
“For the first time in my life, I got really lucky on a flight because the person on the seat next to me was a beautiful woman who was returning home after having studied abroad for a year.
We had a lot of fun and some drinks. Then I got even luckier: She introduced me to her friend who sat a few rows in front of us. A friend so beautiful that my heart skipped a beat upon seeing her.
Anyway, at this point, I had been traveling for 20 hours straight without a shower or brushing my teeth. As you can imagine, I felt dirty, but not the good dirty. In my imagination, I smelled.
The fact that I had two incredible beauties practically fight over me in an airplane (despite my suspected body odor) didn’t matter. Not even that they wanted me to come to Berlin with them spontaneously.
Long story short, I felt so uncomfortable that I came up with some lame excuse of why I couldn’t come. I think it was, “They just want to hang out with you as a friend but nothing more. If you go to Germany with them they’ll just dump you there for someone else and you’ll have to see the city alone.”
We landed, they said goodbye, and I didn’t see Berlin with them.”
Just like many of my clients, Julian was scared because the experience of spontaneously coming to Berlin with two beauties, not knowing what was going to happen, was clearly outside of his reality. And so he allowed his limiting beliefs to sabotage his success.
Agreed, experiences such as a threesome or the airplane story are fairly advanced. But the same excuses can surface even when there is only one woman interested in you. It’s not about how wild the experience is, that’s subjective anyway, but about how new it is to you and, thus, how well prepared your mind is.
How can you prepare yourself for experiences that are currently outside of your reality?
Often we don’t feel ready when the thing we want to happen finally happens. So let’s talk about how you can get ready. In the following, I’ll share some strategies that have worked for many of my clients as well as my boyfriend Julian.
Know that the shitty feeling is merely fear of success
Experiences that are new to us can feel intimidating at first. I’m sure you’ve experienced uncomfortable feelings before events such as embarking on a trip to a foreign country, before starting a new job, or before having sex for the first time.
In all of these situations, we know rationally that everything will be great but the unwanted feelings surface anyway.
A famous saying in psychology says, “What you resist persists.” So when you are noticing the feeling creep in, make sure you don’t fight it but merely realize it is just fear of success and act regardless.
Vulnerability reliefs you from anxiety
Another good way to counter an abrupt eruption of unwanted emotions is by talking openly about it.
Let me illustrate with a practical example:
When you’ve never had sex before and your date invites you back to her place after a great evening, you’ll experience many “get me the hell out of here” emotions.
Your brain will order you to answer, “I’d love to but it’s getting late and I have to get up early tomorrow.”
If you give in to these (at the time convincing) voices you’ll go home just like countless men before you, slapping yourself internally while mumbling, “Stupid! So stupid! Why do you have to be so stupid?!”
In a situation like that, you can lower your anxiety by being honest and vulnerable.
Yes, in that situation this means admitting you are a virgin with something like, “You know, I’m really nervous because I like you a lot but I’ve never spent the night with a woman before.”
Whenever you open up about something that causes anxiety, the anxiety disappears or at least gets much milder. And vulnerability is so damn attractive.
Just say “Yes!”
Sometimes all it takes is saying an initial, “Yes” and then letting yourself go with the flow. Watch the movie Yes Man with Jim Carrey for a brilliant display of this strategy.
Of course, you should use your head before you do anything stupid, but when you are sure that your safety isn’t at jeopardy and you are just irrationally scared, then just say “yes” and figure out the rest later.
Julian could have just told the women he met on the plane that he’d come with them, despite his concerns. After agreeing to it he’d have had a much harder time bailing out because he wouldn’t have wanted to appear like someone who doesn’t stay true to his word.
Commit yourself whenever you can. It’s highly effective.
Prepare for success
- If you want to have spontaneous sex you better carry a condom.
- If you want to invite a date back to your place you better make sure it’s clean and moderately tidy.
- If you want to have a threesome you better make sure you feel comfortable in your body. It’d be hard to enjoy it if you constantly think about your stinky feet or bad breath.
- If you want to find a girlfriend you better ask yourself, “Would I be ready to meet the woman of my dreams right now? If not; what would you have to do to get ready?
Then do it.
It’s hard enough to get to a place where you can finally have the experience you’ve wanted for so long. But things become impossible when your own brain is also working against you.
Realize that everyone, to matter how confident, experiences these situations in which they get nervous and uncomfortable because something new is about to happen.
But what separates men who have success from those who don’t is acting despite these uncomfortable emotions until they have become used to the new experience and the body doesn’t fight it anymore. Once that happens, it has become part of your new reality.
Let’s go an expand our realities!