For some reason, people get really pissed when you are mentally absent.
A few days ago, I sat on the couch with Kristina and we watched stand-up comedy. Well, I watched and she assured me that she was able to text and watch at the same time.
This often resulted in her missing a joke, asking me what the joke was – so we would also miss the next one – and then rewatching it only to text and miss it again. Needless to say, I got pissed at her.
So how does this relate to love and dating?
Most men think they are present when they are talking to an attractive woman but they really aren’t:
Guy: “What do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a pharmaceutical sales rep and work at…”
*Guy thinks she is really hot and wonders if he has a chance with her*
Guy: “Oh that’s so cool!”
Worries, doubts, a hidden agenda, nervousness about what to say next, regrets, planning the next step, thinking about the future, a vibrating phone in your pocket, boredom… all of these things distract your mind from the conversation.
And no matter how well you believe you are hiding your wandering thoughts, your conversational partner always knows or at least feels that something is off.
In dating, this is a big problem because it destroys any chance of an emotional connection and deep attraction. What’s more, it creates problems such as running out of things to say and, thus, can make you anxious.
And it doesn’t just create problems on your end. It also makes the other person feel like they are boring you. They will think it’s their fault you aren’t interested and react by becoming increasingly uncomfortable as the conversation goes on.
So how can you know that you aren’t fully present?
Do you frequently forget the names of people who just introduced themselves to you? If yes, then your mind is definitely preoccupied with other things too often.
Fortunately, all it takes to get back into the moment is becoming mindful of your drifting thoughts and shaking yourself internally like a wet dog: “When is the right moment to kiss her? She looks like she wants me to make a move. No, no, no Julian! You can think about that later. Now back to the conversation!”
In plain English: Just tell your brain to shut the f*** up whenever it wants to drag you away from the conversation.
I know this can be hard at first because it is a habit that you need to build, but once you’ve developed it you’ll notice that others respond to you quite differently. E.g., you’ll suddenly hear women say things about you like, “He’s such a great listener.” or “Talking to him felt like we had known each other forever.”
Stay physically and mentally with the person you are talking to and they will want to stay with you too.