Finding a girlfriend is viewed as something that just happens somehow. Most people think luck or destiny are what it takes to find the “one”.
Today I’m going to share my six steps common sense approach to getting a girlfriend. This exact approach has also worked for me personally. It is exactly how I found and got together with Kristina. It reduces luck as much as possible and allows you to maximize your chances of finding not just A girlfriend, but an exceptional one who is a great fit.
Step 1: What is your ideal girlfriend like?
Grab a pen and paper and write down what personality your ideal girlfriend should have.
- What qualities does she have?
- What interests her?
- What does she value?
- How does she spend her time?
Now do the same for physical attributes and fashion.
- Tall or short?
- What does she usually wear?
- What physical shape is she in?
- Lots of makeup or natural look?
- How does she wear her hair?
Get as specific as you can. The clearer your image of her is in your mind, the better. You can’t be picky if you don’t know what you want!
Step 1a: Would a girl like that want to be with you?
Now that you know what type of woman you want, it’s time to take a hard look at yourself and ask “Would a girl like that want to be with me?”
- If the answer is YES, then you should already be able to appeal to the girl of your dreams and you can skip this part and continue with the next question.
- If you answered NO, then you have two options:
Option a: Lower your standards.
Option b: Improve yourself.
I strongly recommend you to go with improving yourself.
Imagine you knew that you would meet the woman of your dreams in a month, but you also knew that you only have one chance with her and then she is gone forever. What would you change about yourself in that month to prepare for meeting her?
Write a list and do everything on that list.
Areas in which most guys need improvement are:
- Social skills – the most important area
- Hygiene and grooming – because being unkempt is a no-go
- Posture – because it tells a lot about your lifestyle and how you feel
- Fitness and nutrition – makes you feel and look better
- Fashion style – again, makes you feel and look better and is easy to change
You probably ask yourself “Why should I improve? Doesn’t the ideal girlfriend like me the way I am?”
You should improve for two reasons:
- For her; because if you have all these expectations of how she should be, then you better make sure you fulfill them as well.
E.g: If she dresses well and is interested in fashion and styling you can’t dress like a slob and wear sandals with white socks.
- For yourself; because if you feel sexy, women will find you much more attractive.
Step 2: Where can you find women who fit your preferences?
People typically surround themselves with people who have similar views and interests. What’s more, they go to similar events, use similar services, and do similar activities that fit their interests.
If you want to be with a business woman who likes wearing beautiful dresses and enjoys going to elegant restaurants, it’s probably pointless to search for her in a sports bar that offers two for one drinking promotions. You will have a better chance to find a woman like that at business conferences, cocktail parties or red carpet events.
If you want an open minded, world traveling vegan with dreadlocks, it’s probably not the best idea to frequent black tie events. It might be a good idea, however, to travel around yourself and sleep in hostels. Or you could try Couchsurfing.
Here is my rule of thumb for finding a girlfriend who’s your type: Become a part of communities a woman like her might enjoy, online and offline.
I am talking about meet-ups, sport events, online communities, parties, conferences, and so on. If you aren’t familiar with the community then go there with a learner’s mindset. Being curious about something someone loves is always a good way to have fascinating conversations.
Please keep in mind that joining a community for the sake of meeting women is needy. If you don’t enjoy spending time there, then you shouldn’t!
Step 3: You have met a girl that seems to be a great fit. How can you ask her out?
The best way is to come up with something you think both of you would enjoy and then invite her to go with you.
E.g: “Hey I have tickets for the Kings of Leon concert on Thursday. Do you want to join me?”
It doesn’t have to be something expensive. Just think about it for a while and arrange something that goes beyond what every guy does. So avoid dinner at a restaurant, cinema, and Starbucks for a first date.
Going to a cooking class with her, watching a movie at an open air cinema, or getting a cup of coffee and going to a book reading together are way better.
No matter what date you choose, the most important thing is to choose a date that involves actively doing something, like playing pool billiard, cooking, riding a rollercoaster, dancing, etc. That way you will not run into the dreaded “sitting across each other in silence” situation.
Step 4: How can you flirt with her on a date?
With flirting I mean showing her clearly that you’re interested. If you don’t, then you risk being seen as “just a friend”.
How can you show her that you are more than just a friend without being creepy?
I’ll give you my top three ways to accomplish that.
Touching is by far the best way to show a woman that you want her. It’s important however to do it right, or else you’ll come across creepy.
Touching is a way of expressing emotions. It’s a gesture that speaks so to say. Hugging someone tight who is upset is not a way to “escalate” sexuality but a way of empathizing with the person.
Once you have developed the ability to empathize with people, that means putting yourself in their shoes for a moment to experience what they feel, touching will come completely natural to you.
However, there are a few tips that will give you a head start.
Good ways to start, are touches that are socially approved, like:
- Hugging as a greeting when you meet her. (when hugging her, remember not to move away from her with your hips except if you want to end up in the friend zone)
- Putting your arm around her when you take selfies.
- Guiding her somewhere with your hand on her lower back. (this can also be done by holding her hand, but the lower back version is less intimidating)
- Touching the outside of her leg with your leg when you sit next to each other.
- Putting your arm around her and rubbing her upper arm when she is cold.
- Hugging or giving a high five when one of you won something or did a great job at something.
The second way to show her you are more than just a friend is ridiculously simple: Look her in the eyes.
Often, guys are nervous at a first date and therefore avoid eye contact without knowing it. Just remind yourself of it and you will be fine.
Word of caution: Direct eye contact for more than 3-5 seconds is too intense for most people. Make solid eye contact whenever you listen, but look to the side or up every couple of seconds when you are talking.
Honesty makes it impossible to end up in the friend zone and it separates you from almost every men out there because, let’s be honest, most guys just say what they think gets them closer to sleeping with her.
Honesty also goes hand in hand with showing vulnerability, which is another surefire way to stand out from the masses of too cool for school guys.
I’ll give you a couple of examples what I mean by honesty and what I don’t mean:
- “This dress looks stunning on you” – honest and intelligent
- “I get so insecure around you” – cute
- Whispering in her ear: “I want you so bad.” – sexy
- “I had this nasty rash for more than a month.” – too much information
- “I have been looking at all your profile pics for quite a while now.” – stalker
- “I often think of you when I masturbate.” – rapist
Honesty doesn’t mean drowning her in all your kinky secrets. It just means talking to her like a mature man who knows what he wants and doesn’t apologize for it.
Step 5: What to do after the date?
Whatever your date is, make sure you plan for what comes after the date.
Always have another venue you can go to. The after-date location should either have a chilled-, or an uplifting vibe, depending on what you did on your date.
Date vibe: chilled -> After-date vibe: uplifting.
Date vibe: uplifting -> After-date vibe: chilled.
Rule of thumb: Combine interesting with fun and you are golden.
- After a book reading, you could go salsa dancing.
- After going to a theme park you could chill at the beach with a bottle of wine.
- After a concert you could go to a place that has a great view and listen to some songs you just heard at the concert.
Go to your place
By the way, don’t forget to clean up your home and make it “women friendly”. Just in case you bring her back. Prepare smooth background music, make sure everything is clean and smells good, have wine at home and candles ready to set the mood.
Make sure she doesn’t feel like a slut by inviting her to do something non threatening like listening to some records, watching a movie, or having a glass of wine on your balcony.
If she likes you and doesn’t have any appointments the next day she’ll say yes.
Forget about sex. Just invite her for the sake of spending more time with her. Of course, if the situation leads to sex it’s great but don’t push it! If the two of you end up in a relationship you will have more- and better sex than any single guy, so don’t push it with the sex! If she wants to wait encourage her.
Bring her home after the date. Call a cab or walk her home. It shows that you are capable of protecting her and it’s also the right thing to do. Letting her walk home alone at 3a.m shows you don’t care about her (safety).
Ok, so the date is over. Now the question is,
Should you follow up the next day?
Sending her a text, (by the way, exchange numbers on your date if you haven’t already) for example with a picture of the two of you last night and a funny comment is a perfect reminder for her how great your night was. Bring her back to how she felt with you.
Tip: Take selfies with her – it makes you get close to each other and you create memories from the beginning. Who knows, maybe you look back on the images with your kids one day and tell them “look, kids, this is how I met your mother”.
If you don’t have any photos just send her something like “I had a fun night yesterday. Hope we can repeat it soon. :)” That’s it! Don’t send a dozen follow-up texts. Keep yourself busy with work, meeting friends, and having fun, to avoid constantly thinking about her.
Tip: Use emoticons! They add emotion to your texts and as you should know by now, emotion is the currency of love.
Step 6: How to transition into a relationship.
You had an amazing date with a great woman and you followed up afterwards successfully. Of course, you want to meet her again, but how?
First, you should stay in touch with her after your first date. If something noteworthy came up in your life, tell her.
“You won’t believe what happened to me today. You know I recently started this new job. Well, somehow I managed to be late to work two times in a single day. :))”
Show weakness. Laugh about yourself. Show her that you are a human being with emotions who enjoys sharing them with her, but who also cares about her life.
If you manage to do that, arranging to meet again will be as easy as 1,2,3.
After a couple of dates the two of you will naturally drift into a relationship. Sounds simplistic, I know, but bear with me.
All that matters is everything you did before the date(s). Improving yourself, selecting the right girl, being honest with her – trust me, the rest will be taken care of.
With the wrong one you can’t do anything right, and with the right one you can’t do anything wrong.
All the tips I’ve given you are examples that work for my personality. You are a unique person with your own style, your own jokes and your own behavior.
I suggest you go through the tips and think about how you can do something similar in your own style. Never copy anyone – especially if you want to find someone who loves you for who you are.
Of course, this article did just scratch the surface of this huge topic. If you have any questions please ask them in the comments.
Thanks for reading if you have come this far. :)