A couple of days ago I stumbled upon a fantastic answer on the Q&A site Quora to a question many men have:
“How can anyone flirt with girls and what are some effective strategies to make you irresistible?”
I initially wanted to answer the question myself but after I found Howie Reith’s answer I was so blown off my feet that I decided to share and analyze two of the best parts of his answer instead.
The first part of the answer is all about becoming irresistible and whether or not it’s possible. The second part is about how to flirt. I strongly encourage you to read the full answer!
Can a man become irresistible?
Enter Mr. Howie Reith:
How can anyone flirt with girls and what are some effective strategies to make you irresistible?
OK, we have a lot to talk about.
First, you will never be irresistible. There is no one on this planet who is attractive to everyone. There are some women who will be extremely attracted to you. You want to find these women and be confident enough to engage them.
Second, you don’t want to be attractive to everyone. The desire to be irresistible suggests you are rejection-averse. This is common, but needy and unattractive. Why would you want to be attractive to all women? Are you attracted to all women? Are all women right for you? No, and no. So why do you care that much? You trying to fit into some sort of masculine caricature? Do you have something to prove? Women aren’t interested in being your validation tool, and they’re not interested in someone who’s not comfortable getting a “no” from them.
So your first step is to change your mindset. Rejection is fantastic and delicious. It is a means of filtering out women who aren’t right for you. Women who reject you are saving you a lot of time and emotional energy. Love them for it, especially when they do it honestly and directly.
Don’t settle for beauty alone – it’s just a short term validation for your ego. What counts in the end is to find someone who just “gets” you. Someone who loves you for who you are. Just having sex with a large number of strangers won’t satisfy you emotionally.
Like Howie stated: Your goal should be to filter out any women but the ones that are a great fit for your personality. There are women out there who find the quirky mix that is you so damn attractive – find those women! Stop wasting time clinging to girls just because they are hot.
Flirting By Example
Here comes the part about flirting. Pay close attention specifically to the last couple of sentences.
As a way of illustrating, since it’s close at hand, and since you can’t watch me flirt, I’ll copy and paste an okcupid conversation I’ve just been having.
Her: “I thought you don’t use this app anymore” (I said I was closing it soon in my profile)
Me: “I don’t. I made an exception for you. Okcupid emailed me to say you liked me. You are very attractive. So I liked you back.” (This is the truth, in case there was any doubt)
Her: “Oh thanks. I never get email from the app when people ” liked” me”
Me: “Guess you gotta change your settings. When I saw your pic you reminded me of a film actress friend of mine in LA. Just now read you’re doing acting too. Tell me about the show, I haven’t heard of it (she had her show dates in her profile)”
Her: “Oh we’re both Asian? The play – you can actually Google it. It’s a play about a hilarious family in the 30s”
Me: “She’s half Asian. But you resemble her more substantially than just that. I certainly could have googled it. I was asking more to hear how you talk about what you’re passionate about than to learn about the play.”
Her: “Oh I see. I am very excited about the play. It’s the first play I’ve ever involved. I auditioned for a small part and the director gave me a big one. :) It’s silly putting the information here… Maybe I should take it out”
Me: “It’s up to you. I’d be proud too. Congrats. Is there a story behind being able to smell peoples’ odor?” (She said she was exceptionally good at it)
Her: “Thanks! Well it started as early as I can remember.. I was very sensitive about every odor. It a room smells smells bad, I’ll throw up.”
Me: “I appreciate that! My roommate installed glade plugins all over my place, so our house smells permanently like vanilla. Unfortunately I’ve gotten so used to it I can’t smell it any more.”
Her: “Hahaha that’s a great roommate!! But maybe use different fragrance once a while !”
Me: “She’s pretty cool. I’ll suggest that to her. So whatcha looking for on here? You wanna get together? I’m free tonight, or later this weekend. My name’s Howie btw.”
Her: “Well I haven’t decided if I should see you cause I’m really busy with my schedule….”
Me: “Ok. Well I’m not into the okc pen pals thing, and if you’re too busy to date we probably won’t work out. I am attracted to you so I am down to chill if you can make the time.”
Her: “I appreciate the affection:) I’d like to meet you in person:) how about next week?”
Howie is honest but still polite. There is no chance he can ever end up in the friend zone like that. He clearly communicates what he wants and is willing to end the conversation at any point. This also shows her that he is not willing to play games which is a great frame for a future meeting.
Everything you say and write has two layers. One is the actual words. But they are just a reflection of the second layer which is the mindset.
The mindset always gets revealed during a conversation. No matter how well you fake it, the truth always comes out and women are masters in spotting incongruencies between the first and the second layer of communication. With the wrong mindset you can’t write in the fashion Howie did. Everything would feel “a little bit off” to her.
What can you do to develop a strong mindset like Howie Reith has?
Immerse yourself in all the resources we provide you with. Start by reading this blog post on rewriting the negative stories you tell yourself.
People adopt the beliefs of people around them. Therefore it is extremely important to surround yourself with positive people that can get you to the next level. I recommend checking out Howie Reith’s profile on Quora. He has lots of very insightful answers that you can use to build new beliefs from.
Other than that it’s just gathering experience. Go out and talk to women. Get rejected, learn from it and try again. Know that every time you feel the fear and act anyway, you will become a better, more attractive man.
This process takes time but if you stick with it, you will develop a much deeper understanding of women and dating than you ever thought possible.
Have you ever changed your beliefs about something and if yes, how? Let me know in the comments.