In my previous post from the last week, I talked about meeting the right women on Facebook and starting a conversation without looking like a creep. Today, I am going to reveal the secrets on how to go from a Facebook acquaintance to a real-life date.
For anyone not familiar with part 1, the status quo is: We have sent a woman that we found appealing a private message and successfully started a friendly conversation. Now it’s time to intensify the contact and get to an emotional level.
The second chat with her
Now that she knows who you are and that you aren’t like all these creeps who just message to hit on her, it’s time to intensify the contact. To do that, you need to start a follow-up conversation. In this chat, it’s critical that you show sincere interest in her on one hand, and also open up to her so that she can learn about you. In more practical terms: take a conversation topic that interested both of you in your last chat and write about something related to that.
Let’s say last time you talked about her passion for underwater photography. (You met her through a photography Facebook Group.) If you found an interesting and helpful tutorial on internet about taking underwater pictures, you could send it to her and write:
“Hey, X! Hope you’re doing great! :) A couple of days ago, I stumbled upon a great tutorial about underwater photography and since I remembered you telling me about underwater photography last time we chatted, I thought it might interest you.
Truth be told, I was so curious that I instantly tried the tips from the tutorial in a friend’s pool. I must have looked so ridiculous trying to shoot a selfie underwater with all my clothes on. My friends had a good laugh, anyway. I’ll send you the finished photos once I feel comfortable disclosing them. ;P”
If you look at the structure of the example I gave you, you’ll notice a simple formula I invented. This is it:
Activity you did recently (something that makes you look active)
+ telling her that you’ve thought about her
+ providing value (either you or her)
+ showing vulnerability
+ photo or video (what happened there, your results)
By the way, if you want to add her to your friends at this point, don’t think about it for too long. After the first conversation, it’s fine to send her a Friend Request whenever you like.
Attraction on an emotional level
At this point, (if she hasn’t done it already) she is going to look at your profile and browse through your photos. If you set up your profile like I told you in part 1, then she is at least going to find you interesting. What you want, is her wondering if you might be more than just a nice guy who messaged her. You want to spark her curiosity. You want her to think about you when you haven’t chatted in a few days. Your profile can do that, but you can also do it through the messages you send.
What you write and show on Facebook should subliminally communicate:
- I lead an interesting and active life. (hobbies, travel)
- I am a grown-up who has his shit together. (job, car, home)
- I am desired by other women.
- I have many friends and they respect me.
How you communicate these things through pictures is clear (just make sure you don’t come across as a bragger). What’s not so clear is how you can do it through your messages. I’ll give you an example.
“Hey! :) Yesterday, some friends and I went on a spontaneous camping trip to this gorgeous little lake that’s just 30min from my place. At first, I didn’t want to go because honestly, I hate camping. But now that I am here and I see the sunset and the peaceful quietness, I am really starting to enjoy it. I wish you could be here right now and see this in person. It’s spectacular. [insert image or short video of where you are at]”
Messages like that, combined with a great profile that supports what you are writing, is such a powerful tool. When my boyfriend Julian and I met for the first time, I was attracted to him just from the images and messages he had sent me. He did the exact thing I just told you.
It’s important that you act on Facebook like you would act in real life. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say in person. She would be disappointed if she notices that you are completely different in real life and you were just playing too cool for school to impress her.
How often should you write her? How soon should you reply to her messages?
There is no correct answer, but in general, less is more. The trick to getting it right without purposely deciding when to write is by being busy. A man who has an interesting life with a job, friends, and other women who message him, won’t be able to instantly answer any message, let alone initiate conversations all the time. The best advice I can give you is this: make yourself busy. Write with other interesting women, meet your friends, take a mini vacation, volunteer at a homeless shelter, start at a triathlon. Whatever you do, it’s important not to sit at home staring at your cell phone waiting for the Facebook Messenger to make that annoying ‘bing’ sound.
You can apply the same principles to replying to her messages. In most cases, a man with a busy life doesn’t have time to write her back immediately. I’m not saying you should play too cool for school and purposely make her wait for hours or days. But you also shouldn’t drop everything just to reply to her as fast as possible.
What to do if she stops writing back
Don’t do anything. Just go on with your life and distract yourself – ideally by interacting with other interesting women. That way you’re showing maturity and self-respect. If she doesn’t write back she is either unavailable or she doesn’t want to chat anymore. In the first case, she is going to continue writing with you eventually. In the second, there is nothing you can do to convince her otherwise. So not doing anything is the best approach in any case.
By the way, if she stopped showing interest in you, the worst thing you could do is constantly ask her what’s wrong – or spam her Facebook wall with needy posts. Insecurity makes you unattractive.
Again, keeping yourself busy will solve this problem naturally.
Before you meet in person it’s a good idea to do one or two video Skype sessions (or whatever app you prefer) in order to test if the two of you are getting along well. This takes some guts to do, but it will save you a ton of time and money that you would have otherwise wasted on sucky dates. Julian and I skyped a couple of days before we met in person and believe it or not, I was even more impressed with him afterwards. We were talking for hours and it felt so great to know that we succeeded to transition our Facebook chatting into actual talking. That way we both lost our nervousness before our first date and felt closer to each other.
After a few weeks, depending on your writing frequency, you should invite her to go out with you.
It’s important that you have a clear plan of where you’d like to go with her plus a backup plan (bad weather, booked out the venue,…). A good idea is inviting her to a venue or event you’d like to go to (concert, gallery, cinema, museum, new beach bar,..). Afterwards, you can decide spontaneously what’s going to be your next stop. Decide together! What you show by deciding together, is that you have a plan, but you also value her opinion.
The underlying principle behind all of this
As you may have noticed, the key to writing good and authentic messages, replying after the right amount of time, and moving on when she stops writing you is actually having an interesting lifestyle. If you are struggling with any step of the process of contacting women on Facebook, go back and assess your lifestyle. Because, in the end, what matters most for dating success is what you do on a daily basis, i.e. your lifestyle.
P.S. After my last post I’ve received many questions from readers asking me why men need to put in the effort and try hard to build a connection with women. Why not the woman? Well, because you want something from her. She doesn’t even know you exist. Sure, you can always wait for a miracle. But the better way is taking initiative and contacting the women you find appealing. Assume responsibility and take control of your destiny. That’s what attractive guys do. Here is some further reading on the subject: Are You Good Enough For Her?
If you enjoyed this post, the chances are you might be interested in our coaching product Practice A Date. In short, you can train your dating skills by going on a series of simulated dating situations with me.