When I first started to take professional coaching I had never heard about a concept my coach called “Instant Acceptance”.
He explained that it is a great little routine to let negative emotions go almost instantly. Now I was listening and I decided to give it a try.
He told me to use a very simple method. Every time I would feel insecure, nervous, stressed out, or be in any other not so desirable state, I would make a conscious effort to realize I have the feeling and then say the 3 magic words in my head:
“IT IS OK”
Not very spectacular right? It doesn’t have to be spectacular to be useful. Just think about how you can use it:
- You get rejected by a girl — IT’S OK. It’s not great and you feel really bad but it’s not the end of the world. You are still alive and physically well.
- You made a bad joke and feel like an idiot because no one laughed — IT’S OK. The feeling will fade and you didn’t hurt anyone.
- You spent two month earnings on PUA workshops and videos — IT’S OK. At least you now know what doesn’t work.
I think you see where I am going with this. As soon as you acknowledge in your mind that something is not great but IT’S OK something magical happens. The negative feeling slowly fades away. Not entirely but that’s ok as well.
Noam Shpancer, Ph.D. explains it beautifully in his post for Psychology Today:
“… acceptance is implicitly akin to saying, “This is not that bad.” Which is the truth–negative emotions may not be fun, but they won’t kill you; experiencing them as they are–annoying but not dangerous–is eventually much less of a drag than the ongoing (failing) attempt to avoid them.”
I know what you must think now: “Seriously, it’s ok are the magic words that will help me relief all my bad feelings?” You are 100% right to do so, that’s exactly what I thought as well.
But let me tell you something, it’s not about those words! As a matter of fact you can replace them with whatever you like.
So if it’s not in the words what is it that helps you?
What I found was that there is magic in the combination of
- Consciously noticing there is an undesirable feeling.
- Realizing it’s human to feel that way and accepting the feeling.
It sounds somewhat new age and esoteric but believe me, I am one of the most analytical people you will ever meet and I used to question everything. (and I continue to do so) Just give it a try!
If it works, great! If not, nothing lost.
How can this get you closer to being with the girl of your dreams?
Imagine you are in a bar. You are talking to a gorgeous woman and you are not only interested in her looks but you also get drawn in by her personality.
Everything goes great but suddenly these thoughts of whether she is interested or not kick in along with the feeling of insecurity. You start to sweat, you don’t know what to say, you stop to listen closely to what she has to say because you are so consumed by those feelings.
You wonder if she notices it and before you know what happened she excuses herself and “has to say hi to a friend”. Game over.
Similar incidents used to happen to me over and over but in contrast to me back then, you now know what to do!
Next time those negative feelings and thoughts kick in, stop for a moment in your mind, get conscious of your feelings and thoughts and say to yourself “It’s OK!”.
Accept the feelings and continue without her noticing anything but you suddenly being more confident and you having a slight smirk on your face.
In case she notices you didn’t pay attention to the conversation (she won’t but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared ;) ) just tell her the truth. Tell her you have this little trick to get rid of negative emotions and thoughts. I bet she will want to know everything about it. If she asks why you had negative emotions then tell her the truth again. Guys I can’t emphasize this enough. Just tell the blank truth! This is so uncommon that it will separate you from almost every guy out there!
In short, do the 3 word trick and win in any case.