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What Is Sex Positivity? And Why Men Should Care

When you enter “sex-positive” into Wikipedia it spits out the following definition:

Sex positivity is an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation.

Sounds pretty great, doesn’t it? However, for many guys, the phrase sex-positive still bears negative connotations, mainly because it’s linked to sex-positive feminism, a movement that started in the early 80s.

But quite frankly, who gives a shit about what it’s connected to? I say, either the ideas of sex positivity are sound, or they are not. You be the judge.

The principles of sex positivity

Below I’ve summarized the key principles of sex positivity (or at least how I interpret them).

  • Consent
  • Safe-sex
  • Accepting all sexual orientations, lifestyles (e.g. polyamory), and practices
  • Being comfortable talking about sex
  • Being open to experimenting and trying whatever feels good
  • Not being disgusted by the human body
  • Knowing that you are a sexual being capable of pleasuring others

Many of us still struggle with sexual shame and the consequences thereof. Especially former hardcore Christians tell me that opening up sexually is a huge challenge for them to overcome.

When I say opening up sexually, I don’t mean that you have to become a kink. Sex positivity doesn’t mean that you must be into bondage or living polyamorously. If you want to and it’s consensual with your partner, more power to you, but if you just want to live with that one awesome girl in a monogamous relationship for the rest of your life and only do missionary, that’s fucking dandy, as well.

Examples of male sex positivity in action

Now we’re getting to some practical examples so you can get a better feel of what sex positivity means for a guy.

Embracing the female body

Let’s assume you are in a relationship with a wonderful woman. She is sexy, and fun, and on her period. Not a biggie. You just wait until those ‘unfortunate’ days are over and then have sex again, right? Wrong! A sex-positive guy would never give his girlfriend the impression that she is undesirable during her period. If she doesn’t want sex during menstruation that’s ok, but many women still want to have sex but are afraid to do so because they fear their partner will find them disgusting.

Being sex-positive as a man means telling and showing your sexual partners that you find nothing about their bodies gross or disgusting.


Consent

After a wild party, you bring a female friend back to her place who’s drunk out of her skull. She has trouble staying on her feet so you support her. As it so happens, you have been having a crush on the girl, who is now almost falling over, for the better part of a year. Slowly but surely, you help her into the house and out of her clothes. “Damn! That body,” you drool. She seems really grateful for you escorting her home. So maybe tonight is the night? Should you start making out with her?

male_sex-positive2Being sex-positive as a man means putting consent above all else. Someone who is wasted could say things that they don’t mean (or remember) anymore the next day. Have enough class and self-respect to stay out of situations where there isn’t crystal clear consent.


Swingers

New situation. Your best friend tells you that he and his girlfriend started going to swinger parties. It brings new life into their relationship and strangely has lifted the partnership to an emotionally more intimate level. You couldn’t imagine being ok with other guys having sex with your girlfriend, so you believe that your friend is an idiot and sooner or later he’ll get his heart broken.

Being sex-positive as a man means not judging others for what they enjoy sexually. Your preferred practices might be different to others’, but that doesn’t mean they are morally superior.


Satisfaction

You sit at the bar of a hip new cocktail place. Suddenly, an attractive stranger sits down right next to you. She is young, has long brown silky hair all the way down to her lower back, and to top it off, an incredible body with endless, well-trained legs. For just one night with her, you’d give everything you have. “But it’s just a fantasy,” you remind yourself. “After all, what do I have to offer to a woman like that? Probably I couldn’t even satisfy her sexually,” you think.

Being sex-positive as a man means knowing that you can give pleasure to others. Your penis is able to pleasure women no matter how they look or where they come from. Some will enjoy sex with you more than others, but the fact is, you have a penis, therefore you are (theoretically) able to sleep with and satisfy almost any woman on the planet.


Experimenting

It’s been a while since you last had intercourse with your girlfriend. Lately, the sex hasn’t been what it used to be. You feel in a bit of a rut, but you don’t see a need to change anything, yet. Your girlfriend sees things a bit differently. One beautiful day she surprises you with some toys from the local sex shop. To her surprise, you get furious and start a huge fight because you feel like you aren’t enough for her anymore. That huge dildo is clearly threatening you.

Being sex-positive as a man means being open to trying something new. Sex is an important part of a relationship. You should always be open to improving it, even though you might not be super excited about everything your partner wants to try.

How to become a sex-positive man

Now that we know what sex positivity is, it’s time to discuss how one can become more sex-positive.

First, you have to forget all the “wisdom” that other guys, religion,  or your parents have ever told you about sex. Be your own judge. Is masturbating really a sin? Do you really have to marry your girlfriend before you can have sex?

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Hanging out with sex-positive women can change your mindset about sex fast.

Second, you should hang out with people who are already sex-positive. A friend who is really open and direct with sexuality can work wonders! Especially if it’s a female friend.

Third, find out what kind of sex life you enjoy most and find someone to live that life with consensually. No matter how twisted you think your fantasies are, there are women out there who get turned on by them as well. Go find them.

Fourth, and most importantly, know and remember the principles of sex positivity. Live by them and you’ll have a more fulfilling sex life. Here they are again:

  • Consent
  • Safe-sex
  • Accepting all sexual orientations, lifestyles (e.g. polyamory), and practices
  • Being comfortable talking about sex
  • Being open to experimenting and trying whatever feels good
  • Not being disgusted by the human body
  • Knowing that you are a sexual being capable of pleasuring others
2 replies
  1. Ash says:

    Nitpick: not everyone likes touching blood and wants to have sex during someone’s period. Frankly, I’m a woman, and I hate the idea, and I empathize with similar folks. Any boyfriend I have gets just as much veto rights on period sex as I do. Sex positivity also means not demanding someone do a sex act they find gross or uncomfortable because you think it’s not or you want to feel sexy.

    Reply
    • Julian Reisinger
      Julian Reisinger says:

      You are right, to me, this falls under consent. No one should feel pushed to do something they are not comfortable with. I think, however, that people should get more comfortable with normal bodily functions in general. People get grossed out by the littlest things only because the media depicts them as dirty or disgusting. E.g., blood is somehow dirty, but anal sex is no problem at all…

      Reply

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